Last night you called out for me. It was not even a couple of hours after you'd gone to bed and fallen asleep. You are a bit under the weather with a runny nose and not much of a voice for the past couple of days. I know how hard it is to get comfortable sleeping when you nose is going back and forth from stuffy to runny. You always handle it so well. Tonight you were having a hard time, and my heart broke for you. You told me the usual "I need to poop" line to get out of bed and get time with Mama. I took you, and then, when I saw you didn't have to go, I asked if you wanted to go back to bed and have Mama hold you. You said yes and just melted into my arms so thankful that I'd asked.
Together we crawled into your twin size bed. We got under the covers and I prayed you'd actually try and sleep. I wanted so badly for you to let me do my job and help you. Usually, if I attempt to stay in bed with you on a night like this, you are so happy to have me there, that you never allow yourself to sleep. Instead, you talk and look at me and laugh and play. It's sweet, but obviously I get in the way of your sleep- which is what you need the most. So I held my breath and waited to see what was going to happen. To my surprise you immediately started really attempting to sleep.
You do this sucking motion with your lips- you've done it since you were a baby. As a newborn, you'd continue sucking after I breastfed you, and just put yourself asleep in my arms. It was a sign that you were content and peaceful. It soothes you, and helps you fall asleep. You never needed a pacifier or a thumb. Tonight I felt like I was holding my baby again. As you moved your lips, your eyes drifted off. Every once in awhile you'd reach back behind you and feel my face as if to make sure I was still there, and say "I love you, Mama". You rearranged a few times and eventually fell asleep with your head on my chest.
It was early for me- 9pm or so. Usually I'm tired, but can't sleep yet. Tonight I slept. Your sweet cuddles made me as content as I could be, and we drifted off to sleep together. Thank you so much for this time together. It made my heart so full of love.
About an hour later you needed to re-position yourself. I woke as you did this. You realized I was still there and you decided to get as close to me as you could. You ran your hands along every curve of my face and smiled. You then climbed completely on top of me (belly to belly) and tried to get comfortable. But it didn't work. You started to wake more and more. So, I decided it would be best to go back to my room and let you get comfortable. I explained this to you, gave you a kiss and tucked you in. I never heard another peep. You drifted off to sleep faster than I could get back to my bed.
It's night like these that my Mama heart is so full and so happy. I miss holding you while you sleep, or even getting to watch you sleep. Thank you for letting me hold you. Thank you for showing me your love in the sweetest of ways. I promise to slow down and enjoy these moments as much as I can.
Forever and always.
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