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Friday, December 29, 2017

A Due Date to Remember


Dear April Rey,

I woke up today to a beautiful sunrise. Purple and orange. Bright and bold like you are. 

Today is a special day. It's a day that I held fondly in my heart until our earth shattering news back in July. 

Today is your due date. 

You've been gone now for just shy of 5 months. 

My belly void of your growing body. My body wishing it was still feeling your tiny kicks.

My heart is bigger. It is more sensitive. It is not missing a piece, but rather gained one.

You filled my heart with more love than I knew was possible. 

The added piece to my heart is full of love, yet at the same time full of grief and sadness.

I long so badly to see you grow up. To see you play with your sister. To see you laugh at your silly Daddy.

I can still feel your skin against mine as I held you for your first and final moments.

I can feel your hand clench down on my finger.

I can see your beautiful face, your beautiful, perfect fingers and toes. 

I can feel your strength and your peacefulness. It stays with me every day. 

You filled me with your strength and peace when you were born. You surrounded me with your love and gave me so much joy. 

I'll never forget the feeling of holding you. The feeling of your energy all around me. The strength you gave me in that moment was a gift. You showed me how to focus on the joy, instead of hiding in the sadness. I was able to celebrate your life, instead of immediately grieving your death.

Today is a brutal reminder of my empty womb. 

Today is a brutal reminder, that you don't get to live the life you deserve. 

Today is a brutal reminder that you are gone.

Every day and every moment fills me with thoughts of your sweet face and your strength and bravery. 

Every day I stay strong is because of you. I do the best I can. 

Today I am letting the grief win, though.

Today I am letting it be ok to just be sad and miss you. 

You are forever and always in my heart. 

Thank you for all that you've done. You've truly made me a better person. And your legacy lives on. Your legacy is helping so many. Thank you for giving me the strength to share it. 

Love you forever,
Mama
12-28-17


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