I am 16 weeks pregnant with Baby William. My emotions with this pregnancy and this third baby, are just all over the place right now for a few reasons:
1. Pregnancy Hormones
There is no denying the ability of a pregnant woman to just break into tears. I wish I could blame more of my emotions on this alone, but unfortunately I also have reason to be sad right now… (see #3)…
2. Happy News and an Early Anatomy Scan
Take a look at the video if you want to see a super cute 16 week update with a 4D video clip! Due to my high risk status (trisomy 13, antiphospholipid syndrome, and cholestasis in the past), I get to go in for ultrasounds every 3-4 weeks.
I am 16 weeks today, and this week I got to go in for an early anatomy scan. The doctors warned me that we probably wouldn’t see much, as it was just too early. Boy were they wrong, and they were so excited about it.
At this early anatomy scan we could see so many things. Baby William is developing perfectly so far and passing every test with flying colors.
The ultrasound technician even gave me a special surprise and did a 4D video clip. She let it run live for quite some time and I just got to see him wiggle around. It was precious and made my day. Tears happen every single ultrasound LOL!
I am not going to feel completely comfortable with this pregnancy until most likely after the 20 week anatomy scan, and possibly not until his birth, however, reaching these little milestones makes my mama heart so happy.
I may not have cried tears of joy when I saw the positive pregnancy test, but I certainly cry those tears of joy every time William passes another milestone.
3. Grief as We Approach What Would Have Been April’s 1st Birthday
I don’t even know how to comprehend this right now. April’s birthday is 8/8/17. It’s her induction day. It’s her birth day. It’s her death day. It’s next week.
My heart is getting heavier and heavier as we approach this date. My husband and Caroline are having a hard time as well. Tears are endless.
We’re always sad. We talk a lot in this house about how you can feel more than one emotion at the same time. Sadness is a reality for us always. It doesn’t mean we aren’t happy and aren’t enjoying life. But it’s there. Sometimes it’s all consuming. Sometimes it’s in the background and more manageable.
This pregnancy has been sad in so many ways for me. It’s a constant reminder of what we went through with April’s diagnosis. It’s a harsh reality. This pregnancy isn’t even 1 month off of my pregnancy with April.
That means we find out the results of the same tests at around the same time. The due dates 3 weeks apart, and the timing is hard to ignore. It’s hard to not worry when I know what can and did happen.
Aside from the 16 week anatomy scan, we also had AFP testing done. Just another test that’s making me nervous! Once this test comes back, and I have the 20 week anatomy scan, I think I’ll be feeling much more in the clear.
Nausea and fatigue are still lingering, but overall I’m seeing positive improvement at this point.
Tightness in my ligaments is very prevalent right now. My body is just not quite stretched to where it wants to be it seems like.
I’ve not gained any weight from what I see on the scales (although scales at each doctor differ). I’ve not lost any weight. A good solid 140 lbs…right where I was before this pregnancy.
My belly size is pretty consistent since 4 weeks. It was rather large for 4 weeks, but is pretty normal now at 16! haha
I am starting to get itchy. Ugh. I am hoping this isn’t cholestasis. We are keeping an eye on it. About 3 times a week my hands and feet are SUPER itchy and bothersome to the point that I run them under cold water.
I also JUST realized that if I do have cholestasis, I will be induced on December 28th. December 28th was April’s due date. These two just can’t not share dates in common apparently. Tears flowing yet again…
Speaking of April. Her birthday is coming up. I’ll write a special post around that time. 8/8 is rapidly approaching, however.
We’ve decided to make it a special night to remember April. And we decided long ago, that we’d be hosting a fundraiser on her birthday every year. The funds will be donated to various different organizations to help others.
Last year the fund in her honor was to St. Jude.
This year it will be to Hopkins, where we delivered. I am still working out the details, so there will be more information to come. Ideally, we’d like these funds to go directly to making special memories for families that have the loss of a baby.
They made us a memory box, hand and foot molds, canvas imprints, and so much more. They made our moments with April as special as can be. We want to make sure this can continue for all families that walk through those doors.
This pregnancy is plugging along.
I honestly can’t believe I’m 16 weeks already. We keep getting good news and more good news. I know April is watching out for William and being an angel to all of us right now.
Emotions are high all around, but we are a strong family and are only getting stronger with each day.
We have so much we get to look forward to in the coming months. Our house will be built and ready in September, we’ll get to start decorating William’s room (we’re thinking orange and blue) and getting prepared for his arrival, and come December or January we’ll get to meet him.
We’ll get to take him home. Even that will be filled with sadness in it’s own way. It’s a penetrating sadness that just makes it’s way into every part of our lives, and this happy time will be no different. I’m also trying to just mentally wrap my head around that as well.
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