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I am well into my second trimester now and figured I should get my 19 week pregnancy update on the blog! William is now the size of a mango. The reality of this week, however, is I know his exact size all too well.
April was born at about 19.5 weeks. The truth is I know exactly what it’s like to hold a baby that is only at 19 weeks gestation.
I know exactly how tiny William’s hands are at this point. I know exactly how perfect his fingers and toes are right now. I know that he could squeeze my finger and make little movements. I know that he can’t open his eyes just yet. I know exactly how well he’d fit in just one hand of mine. I know how his skin would feel against mine. I know.
And so this is yet another hard week. The reality is that this entire pregnancy is hard. I had this grand idea that once I knew everything was ok, that I’d be happy. I’d have all of those happy hormones going crazy and feel all of the feels. That just isn’t so, and I miss it. I want it so badly.
But the truth about this pregnancy is that my innocence and my ignorance is gone. My brain isn’t allowing me to connect and get excited, until I have a healthy baby in MY ARMS.
I know my love is there and as strong as ever. But my excitement is lacking. My brain is just not letting me connect with little William yet, and I think it is just my way of protecting myself.
And then I laugh when I even think about that. Because no amount of “disconnectedness” or lack of excitement could prevent the sorrow that would be if William were to die. No amount of protection would help. I’d be just as devastated as I was to lose April. So, how silly of my brain!
The other interesting thing to note, is that I don’t feel worried. I must be, since I seem to be in this disconnected state, but I don’t actually feel worried.
I know that William is healthy. I know that he does not have any of the trisomies. I know that his AFP test came back great. I know that his early anatomy scan looked beautiful. I know that there’s an extremely low chance of anything happening to him. I know.
And yet I also know of all of the things that could happen. Because of April, I am no longer oblivious to the things that can happen. Because of her story being out there, other moms reach out to me to tell me their stories.
They tell me of their stillborn babies. They have a place to share because of April. I am so thankful that her story has been able to have this impact. I am so thankful that other moms feel comfortable enough to share their stories with me.
But that means I know. I know that sometimes a baby’s heart just stops beating. I know that miscarriages can happen after 20 weeks. I know that a baby can be perfectly healthy, and then die at 8 months in. I know. With my ignorance gone, I am aware. I am waiting. Waiting until William is in my arms.
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The Rainbow Pregnancy
The pregnancy after a loss- it’s incredibly hard. I feel guilty for not being more connected and excited. I hate the waiting. I need this 9 months to just be over. I need my baby in my arms.
And even then, I know all too well that I’ll be grieving for April. Grieving a loss and celebrating a new life all at the same time is going to be yet another hard emotional state to be in. These emotions don’t just end. They don’t just go away.
This is also my third pregnancy…
Just in general the “excitement” of each week that passes is not as strong as it was with my first. I don’t take pictures each week. Heck, I don’t even know what week I am until I look it up on the calendar.
I don’t know the fruit size from the chart until I pull it up. I am not keeping up with what changes are happening and reading the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book.
It’s just different.
So the two things combined, being my third pregnancy, and being a pregnancy after a loss, just have me kind of blah and indifferent.
I’m also a nester during pregnancy…
Big time. I love setting up the baby room and getting the clothes out and getting things ready. We are stuck in this apartment in between houses, and I just can’t do those things. I can’t get my cloth diapers ready. I can’t get the crib set up yet. I am waiting. Waiting for our house. Waiting to get into my nesting mode. And waiting for William.
19 Weeks Pregnant – Symptoms
My symptoms are SO much better, I am happy to report!
My fatigue is there, but it is at normal pregnancy levels at this point and not too overwhelming. It hits around dinner time now, instead of lunch. I ache and I’m tired, but it’s manageable.
My nausea is gone!!!! I can’t remember the last time I threw up (well I can, but it’s been a loooong time it seems). LOL I also am not gagging nearly as much. So thrilled to be back to normal with this!
Acid reflux is starting to be a bother at night. I am propping myself up on pillows for now when needed. Eventually with Caroline, I had to start taking pepcid. It was safe during pregnancy. Once I finally gave in and took it, I felt such relief and wished I’d have done it sooner. I’ll, of course, be stubborn and wait this one out as long as possible as well. I like to take as little medication as possible.
I am having those ligament pains and sharp cervix pains that I get with every pregnancy. Totally normal but totally painful.
And then there’s the contractions. I am already getting them. I had one very bad day with tons of contractions. Every few minutes, and super strong. They weren’t painful and there was no bleeding, but we made a call to the doctor anyway. I knew I was just stressed and amped up.
It was the day that April’s story was being shared everywhere- The TODAY show Facebook page, Kathie Lee and Hoda, Love What Matters, etc. I was definitely amped up with excitement, but also with worry. Worry that someone might share the story in a bad light, or use her picture in a way I didn’t authorize. Two news channels picked it up in the UK (The Daily Mirror, and The Sun), and it was a headline at a news company in China.
I was definitely a bit stressed. It was a good stress for the most part, and I was thrilled that April’s story was out there for the world to read and continue her legacy, but it was there nonetheless.
Needless to say, that was the day that I was up having contractions. Of course, I knew exactly what the doctor would say, and I knew it was nothing to worry about. I also knew how to fix it- rest and stay hydrated. So I did just that.
William is also kicking now. He doesn’t move as much as my girls did. I know it’s early still to feel much, but I would appreciate feeling more.
He just isn’t as active of a baby from what I remember of the other two. Of course, that can be a source of worry, so I am glad I get to go in for my ultrasounds pretty frequently. If I remember right I don’t have to worry about counting kicks until closer to weeks 26/28. I know it’s still early.
Speaking of, I go in again next week for my anatomy scan, and for a visit with my regular OB again. I’m excited to get an update on William’s progress and check in on him. I am very glad that I get to go in so frequently as it really helps calm my nerves during this pregnancy.
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