This post was written when Caroline was 2.5 years old and I
totally forgot to publish it. So, here it is!
“Will you hold me in the chair?”
“Can
I have one more snuggle?”
“3
more kisses please.”
“I
have to go potty”
“I
have to poop”
“Can
we read one more book?”
Boy oh
boy do toddlers know how to say just the right things to get us to doubt our
instincts just enough to keep delaying bedtime. Right!? I know you’ve
heard questions like the above over and over and over and over. Before you know
it, it’s after 8 or 9 pm before your toddler is actually laying down for their
7 o’clock bedtime.
At first
it’s sweet. Extra snuggles!? I’d love to! Hold you in the chair, why certainly
(it’s been ages since you let me hold you)!
And then
there are the moments of doubt. My toddler just potty trained… maybe she does have to go
potty… again. Maybe she thinks she has to poop…
Then you
realize what’s happening… you have a smart, very smart toddler on your
hands. They know JUST what to say to get out of bed. They know just what
to do to pull at your heart strings to get you to say yes.
My
husband and I did sleep training with our daughter when she was 4
months old. It was brutally hard, yet also one of the most wonderful things
we’ve done. Sleep training has nothing, however, compared to
a toddler at bedtime!
I’ve
always been very big on using routines. If I had to pick one, I’d pick routines over schedules. Routines are super important in the lives of our
babies and toddlers. Routine indicates to them what is about to happen- what
is happening. They can anticipate and know what’s about to be expected of
them. Routines help prime situations, and help avoid power struggles.
The
bedtime routine is one of the most important routines
you’ll build for you and your child (we started a bedtime routine from day 1 at
home with our newborn). The routine has evolved over time and now looks
slightly different for our toddler. And once you realize that your toddler is a
master at manipulating those routines to their liking…there are ways to get
back the bedtime routine you once had in place.
Never fear, Toddlerwise is here! That’s
right, the Toddlerwise
book is in the Babywise series, and it has some fabulous
suggestions on what to incorporate into your routine, and how to get back on
track if you lose your direction (as we did recently). Before we get into the Toddlerwise
suggestions, let me outline our bedtime routine and rules in case you’re
interested.
Our Bedtime Routine
- Clock turns blue
- Clean up time
- Floss and brush
teeth, and brush hair - Pick and read 2
books - Snuggle time
- Go potty and get
changed - Lights out,
sound on, curtains closed - Kisses, hugs,
and “boo”
Notice we DO NOT incorporate bath/shower time. We keep this
separate from the bedtime routine in an effort to keep the routine short and
simple, and to not have a reliance on bath to relax. We do not bathe her every
day.
Our Bedtime Rules
- When the clock turns blue, bedtime routine starts.
- Once in bed-
Sleep, read or talk quietly. And by quietly we mean
“whisper”. - Stay in bed
until the clock turns yellow (in the morning). - If something’s
needed, call Mama or Daddy, nicely. Do not get out of bed. - We will not
respond to crying or screaming other than reminders to ask nicely.
Other Tips/Tricks We’ve Incorporated
- Only 3 stuffed
animals allowed in bed. - Only 3 books
allowed on bedside table. - We read books
and do snuggles on Mama and Daddy’s bed so there is a defining moment when
bedtime starts (when we enter Caroline’s room). - Potty is the
last thing before entering Caroline’s room. - Consequences for not listening or lying are
immediate, as are rewards. - If she refuses
to brush teeth, a story gets taken away. - If she listens
very well when getting ready, she gets an extra book. - If she lies
about having to go potty after lights are out, an item gets taken away
from her bed (stuffed animal or book). - She’s getting
stickers for whispering and staying quiet after we leave the room
(stickers are given the next morning).
We got
off track recently. Off track meaning Caroline was taking full advantage of
asking for “more, more, more”. She was delaying bedtime, frustrating
us, and things just weren’t going as smoothly as we would have liked.
We were trusting her requests instead of our parental instincts,
and as a
result she was taking advantage…more every day. So, we made a BIG change.
The big
change that I made, I totally blamed on the baby in Mama’s belly. I told
Caroline that we needed to practice being extra quiet for when the baby
arrives. We took storytime and moved it OUT of Caroline’s room and into Mama
and Daddy’s room in our efforts to “stay quiet for the baby”.
We also
started doing snuggles in Mama and Daddy’s bed. We didn’t want to remove the
snuggles, because we enjoy them, but when we were doing them in Caroline’s bed,
there was no end, no defining moment of when it was officially time to be done
and stop asking for more.
These big
changes made a big change in the outcome. Caroline is now back to going to
sleep quietly and efficiently when we tell her to do so. There is no more
delaying bedtime, as everything is very clearly defined and consequences are
put into place immediately.
Now if
only I’d consulted with the Toddlerwise book, I’d have been doing this
“big change” from the start. Here are 9 ideas that the Toddlerwise
book recommends for establishing a bedtime routine: (Toddlerwise,
Ezzos, pg 55)
- Set a consistent
bedtime
We have all of our bedtimes listed for each specific age on the schedules page. At 2.5 years old, we have
the ok to wake clock turn blue at 7 pm. This
starts our bedtime routine above of clean up time. We let her finish what
she was doing as long as it is a reasonable amount of time. - Avoid TV,
roughhousing, and wrestling so your child has an easier time winding down.
I think a good rule of thumb is that the last 30 minutes leading up to
bedtime should be low key if at all possible. That works well for us. - Avoid conflict
prior to bedtime. Do not ask if your child is ready to go to bed allowing
them to say “no”. Tell them it is time and assist them.
We have never run into power struggles with it being time for bed, thanks
to the ok to wake clock that we use. It is a clear
indication of bedtime. Now, when it comes to brushing teeth, that can be a
different story. We just enforce consequences immediately if she’s
refusing to do any part of the routine, and that often leads to privileges
and/or items being taken away. - Keep your
child’s bedtime consistent (hire babysitters if you’ll be out late).
I think it is so important to be home for bedtime. We prioritize sleep
around here. Now that being said, we make sure to enjoy the moments as
well, and the occasional deviation from schedule is not the end of the
world- as long as it’s the exception. - Do not allow too
many liquids after dinner for potty-trained children.
Sips and tiny sips only after dinner. The very last thing we do in our
routine is go potty. I’d caution to be careful with a newly potty trained
or potty training toddler not to get frustrated if they ask to go potty.
You want to reward for your child recognizing that they have to go and
asking. This is a fine line, however, because they quickly learn that it
gets them out of bed. Just be very in tune to your child, and if you feel
like they are starting to take advantage, you are right… get firm and
consistent with your expectations. - Consider doing
your storytime out on the couch or somewhere not in the child’s bed. This
way, when storytime is over, there is a place to go (bed). This will help
avoid the delaying bedtime tactics of asking for more. “If you keep
storytime in the bedroom, you never finish because the child has no place
else to go” (page 56)
This was our BIG CHANGE recently, and it has made a HUGE difference.
Caroline was asking for snuggles, and more snuggles, and to be held, and
one more kiss, and boo, and snug as a bug, and, and, and. It was getting
out of control. So, we relocated to Mama and Daddy’s bed for storytime and
snuggles. That way, we got to keep our special snuggle time, but there is
an end. Caroline now knows that going into her room is the real deal and
it is bedtime, not time to ask for more. - Allow your child
to fall asleep on their own. Offer a stuffed animal or blanket and then
leave the room.
This one is huge. We did sleep training at 4 months old and will
always be thankful that we did. Caroline has put herself to sleep ever
since and does not rely on us to help her. This helps if and when she
wakes in the middle of the night, in that she doesn’t need our assistance
to go back to sleep. - Make a rule that
the child is not to get out of bed unless there is an emergency. Be clear
on what an emergency is.
As soon as we transitioned Caroline to a twin bed, we put this rule into
place. The ok to wake clock helped tremendously on giving her a visual as
to when it would be ok to get out of bed. We’ve taught her to call for us
and she’s taken to it very well. Many people have asked what we do for
using the potty. We just have her call, and we take her. We don’t keep a
small potty in the room. She wouldn’t be able to pull her underwear down
and wipe all on her own anyway (this was written when she was 2.5 years
old and not yet doing this), so we just take her to the bathroom once she
calls and help her out. - If your bedtime
routine gets rushed or happens late, consider playing soft music to help
your child wind down.
This is another change we’ve been considering making, and I believe the ok
to wake clock we use has an easy way to do this right on the clock!
These are
9 fabulous things to keep in mind whether you are just starting to use
routines, or needing to revamp your current routine. The Babywise series has so much information beyond
just establishing a schedule with your baby and doing eat, wake, sleep cycles.
In the Toddlerwise
book alone, there’s great information on things like mealtime
guidelines, potty training, giving instructions, handling conflict, and more!
