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We Aren’t Defined By These Moments

Dear Caroline,

There are days we have power struggles, and battles over everything.

There are arguments over going potty, getting ready, leaving the house, going to bed, or simply that I can’t do something that you want right now, but rather in a couple of minutes.

The hard days are hard. There are battles over every little thing it seems like.

There are tears, and big emotions, and yells, and kicks.

On these days I want you to know that I try so hard. So hard to be the mom you need me to be. To be understanding.

To know that you are HAVING a hard time, not GIVING ME a hard time.

I try.

But sometimes I fail.

Sometimes by the third, fourth, or fifth fit of the day, I have lost my patience.

Sometimes, I have to carry you, kicking and screaming and crying, all the way up to your room so we can calm down.

Sometimes I yell back. Sometimes I am not the nicest version of myself. Sometimes I forget you are only 4.

Sometimes I need a break. I ask you to give me a moment. To let Mama have 5 minutes so I can keep my cool.

Sometimes I just need to breathe.

And when I ask you to stop following me for just a moment, I see the hurt in your eyes. And I hear you tell me that I’ve hurt your feelings, and that it feels like I don’t love you anymore.

It breaks my heart.

I never want to hurt you.

I never want you to feel like that.

I also don’t want to yell. I don’t want to lose my cool. And so sometimes I NEED those moments to keep it together.

I know you don’t understand. And that’s ok. You will one day.

Here’s what I want you to know, though, and what I need to remind myself of:

We are not defined by these moments. These hard times. They don’t define us.

What defines us, is our love. Our never ending, love you for the rest of your life, love.

What defines us is our sincere apologies to one another after we’ve butted heads for the 6th time that day.

What defines us is our ability to calm down together.

What defines us is the moment you finally let me hold you and we both just let go. We sit and cry, and talk, and hold on tight.

Our love defines us.

There might be days that I feel like I need a break. But here’s the truth:

I don’t want to be anywhere but with YOU.

I love staying home with you. I may not love every moment, but I love our time together. And there’s NO PLACE I’d rather be.

I don’t want to take a trip without you. Rather, I want a day together. A day with no battles, no tears, and all laughs.

The only break I need, is not away from you, but away from the battles.

I worry about how we might clash in your teenage years. I worry that you’ll have a phase of hating me. And gosh I HOPE it’s just a phase.

I’ll do everything in my power to make sure it’s just a phase or that it doesn’t happen at all.

For now, I want you to remember our good days. Don’t remember the bad. Don’t remember the days I yell. Please.

Because, while those days are few and far between, I know that it’s easy to remember the hard times. I know it’s easy to take for granted the good times and the times of laughter.

Remember the times I hold you at night, and we snuggle and give kisses and talk.

Remember the times I see you.

Because I do. I see you. I hear you.

I will never give up on you, and I am ALWAYS here for you. NO MATTER WHAT.

That’s what defines us. Our love.

Our love is amazing. It can move mountains.

As I held you last night I took a deep breath and focused in. I wanted to remember the moment forever.

“Kisses for a lifetime,” I told you, as I gave you seven little kisses like I used to do every single day when you were a baby. “Store them all up. You’ll always always always have Mama kisses. Anytime you need them, even if I’m not there.”

You laugh now and tell me “I’m going to throw them away!”

I laughed and told you it was impossible. “They are stuck on there. You can never get rid of my kisses.”

“No really, I’m going to throw them away!” You laughed and laughed.

And then you asked for more and more.

One day you won’t want lots of Mama kisses and snuggles at night. One day you won’t want to sit in my lap and let me hold you.

For now, I’ll hold you as long as you let me.

I love you sweet girl. Forever and always.

-Mama

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